i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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