i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
