i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
True strength comes from lack of pants
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
