every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
How does it feel to date your dad?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
