i love accidental penises.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
