you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
