Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Randomize
