What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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