Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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