dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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