I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
