Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
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