I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
