Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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