I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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