He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He? As in you personified your dick?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
