I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
