Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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