i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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