On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
