At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize