I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
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