Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
