thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Found the puke drawer
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
