If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
