The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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