soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
