Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize