I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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