You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
