just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
