Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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