well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
