I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
