I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
