I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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