I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
stop calling my apartment porn island.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
