Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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