Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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