He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize