I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
