i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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