I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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