remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
