Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
