Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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