I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
