a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
