He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
