is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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