he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
