Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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