So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
