Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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