My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
