so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
