I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
