I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Damn victory sex feels great
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
