I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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