Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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