3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
