There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
