so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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