did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
