Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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