fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize