wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
