im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
